The Chains of Toxic Masculinity: How Rigid Gender Norms Harm LGBTQIA+ Individuals

Content warning: This post discusses topics related to toxic masculinity, homophobia, and transphobia.

As a gay man and a therapist who works with LGBTQIA+ individuals, I have witnessed firsthand the devastating impact of toxic masculinity on our community. For far too long, society has clung to a narrow, suffocating definition of what it means to be a "real man" - one that demands stoicism, aggression, and a rejection of all things deemed "feminine" (Hoskin, 2019). This rigid ideal leaves no room for the beautiful diversity of human expression and identity, and it takes a particularly heavy toll on those who fall outside of its narrow confines.

The roots of toxic masculinity run deep, entangled with patriarchal power structures and reinforced through countless cultural messages. From an early age, boys are taught to suppress their emotions, view vulnerability as weakness, and assert their dominance through violence and control (Levant & Richmond, 2016). These lessons are internalized, shaping how men navigate the world and relate to others, often at great cost to themselves and those around them.

For LGBTQIA+ individuals, the pressure to conform to these impossible standards can be particularly devastating. In addition to facing discrimination and marginalization based on their sexual orientation or gender identity, they must also contend with the added burden of being seen as "unmanly" or "unnatural" (Bartosch, 2018), (Bartosch, 2018). This constant struggle to reconcile their authentic selves with society's rigid expectations of masculinity can lead to profound feelings of shame, self-doubt, and disconnection.

In my work, I see the deep wounds that toxic masculinity inflicts on LGBTQIA+ individuals. The pressure to suppress one's authentic self to fit in can lead to mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and even suicidality (Mongelli et al., 2019). It's a constant battle, navigating a world that often rejects and marginalizes queer identities while also grappling with the internalized message that we are somehow "wrong" or "broken" for being who we are.

The consequences of this struggle are dire. LGBTQIA+ individuals who are unable to conform to traditional masculine norms often face rejection, discrimination, and even violence from their families, communities, and society at large (Price-Feeney et al., 2020). This rejection can lead to internalized homophobia and transphobia as individuals learn to view their own identities as shameful or unworthy. It's a vicious cycle, one that takes a heavy toll on mental health and well-being.

But amidst this pain, I also see incredible resilience and hope. Every day, I am inspired by the courage of LGBTQIA+ individuals who choose to live authenticallydespite the risks and challenges. By coming together as a community, creating safe spaces where we can express ourselves freely, challenging harmful norms, and demanding change, we are beginning to break the chains of toxic masculinity (Peetoom, 2021).

This work starts with each of us. It requires an honest examination of our own biases and assumptions and authentically, despite a willingness to unlearn the toxic messages we've internalized about gender and sexuality (Levant & Richmond, 2016). It means actively rejecting the notion that there is only one way to be a "real man" or a "real woman," and instead embracing the full spectrum of human identity and expression.

In my practice, I work with clients to develop self-acceptance, resilience, and a strong sense of self-worth. We explore the unique challenges and strengths that come with being LGBTQIA+, and we work to build supportive networks and coping strategies (Wilkerson et al., 2020). It's not always easy, but I've seen the incredible transformations that can happen when individuals feel free to live as their authentic selves.

Of course, this work extends beyond the therapy room. As a society, we must commit to dismantling the patriarchal structures that perpetuate toxic masculinity. We must create more inclusive and affirming spaces for LGBTQIA+ individuals, particularly those who have been most marginalized (Bartosch, 2018). We must amplify queer voices and stories, challenge stereotypes and myths, and celebrate the rich diversity of our community.

It's a daunting task, but I believe in the power of collective action and resilience. By coming together and supporting and uplifting one another, we can create a world where everyone is free to live authentically without fear of judgment or shame. It won't happen overnight, but with each small act of resistance, each moment of radical self-love and community care, we move closer to that vision.

So, to my fellow LGBTQIA+ individuals, I say this: You are valid, you are worthy, and you are not alone. Your existence is a beautiful act of resistance in a world that often tries to deny your humanity. Keep living your truth, keep fighting for your right to thrive, and know that you have a community that stands with you every step of the way.

Together, we can break free from the chains of toxic masculinity and create a future where all individuals, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation, are celebrated for the unique and precious beings they are. The journey starts now, and it starts with each of us.

In Strength,

Trey Malicoat, M.S.

Author: Being Seen: Coming Out After 40, A Handbook for Gay & Bi Men

P.S. If I can help you on your journey toward personal growth, please visit treymalicoat.com and be sure to order your copy of the book here!

References:

• Bartosch, J. (2018). "You're in the Wrong Bathroom!": And 20 Other Myths and Misconceptions About Transgender and Gender-Nonconforming People. Beacon Press.

• Hoskin, R. A. (2019). Beyond hegemonic masculinity: A role congruity theory approach to explaining gender differences. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 20(4), 518–526.

• Levant, R. F., & Richmond, K. (2016). A review of research on masculinity ideologies using the Male Role Norms Inventory. Journal of Men’s Studies, 24(4), 403–426.

• Mongelli, F., Starace, F., Fazio, E., Piselli, M., Monari, F., Sarrecchia, M., ... & Falasca, K. (2019). Gay and lesbian individuals’ mental health resilience: A qualitative investigation. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 6(4), 421–430.

• Peetoom, K. K. (2021). The relationship between gender normativity and the perpetration of IPV in same-sex couples. Journal of Family Violence, 1–13.

• Price-Feeney, M., Bertrand, L., Smith, J. Z., & McKenna, K. (2020). Acceptance and psychological health in sexual and gender minority individuals: A cross-sectional study. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 7(1), 43–52.

• Wilkerson, J. M., Schick, V., Romijnders, K. A., & Bailey, J. M. (2020). Hope, despair, and resilience: The impact of stigma on the mental health of transgender and gender non-conforming people. Journal of Homosexuality, 67(11), 1541–1563.